Gone Bitch Read online

  Text copyright © 2014 Steve Lookner

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.

  This book is a work of fiction. It is a parody of the book Gone Girl. The events depicted in this work are fictional creations of the author, and any resemblance they have to actual events involving actual people is unintentional and purely coincidental.

  ISBN: 978-0-692-29783-4

  Cover photo by James A. Young (allablur.com)

  Cover design and additional graphics by Simone Hasselmo

  Special thanks to John Owen

  Version 1.2

  Contents

  Part One: BOY LOSES BITCH

  NICK DUNNE: The Day Of

  AMY ELLIOTT: January 8, 2005

  NICK DUNNE: The Day Of

  AMY ELLIOTT: September 18, 2005

  NICK DUNNE: The Day Of

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 5, 2008

  NICK DUNNE: The Night Of

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: April 21, 2009

  NICK DUNNE: One Day Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 5, 2010

  NICK DUNNE: One Day Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: August 23, 2010

  RAND AND MARYBETH ELLIOTT: August 23, 2010

  NICK DUNNE: Two Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: September 15, 2010

  NICK DUNNE: Three Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: October 16, 2010

  NICK DUNNE: Four Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: April 28, 2011

  NICK DUNNE: Four Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: June 26, 2011

  NICK DUNNE: Five Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 30, 2011

  NICK DUNNE: Six Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: September 2, 2011

  NICK DUNNE: Seven Days Gone

  Part Two: BOY MEETS BITCH

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day Of

  NICK DUNNE: Seven Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day Of

  NICK DUNNE: Seven Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Five Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Eight Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Eight Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Eight Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Nine Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Nine Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Ten Days Gone

  Part Three: BOY GETS BITCH BACK (OR VICE VERSA)

  NICK DUNNE: Eleven Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Twelve Days Gone

  NICK DUNNE: Twelve Days Gone

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return

  NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return

  NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return

  AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return

  DESI COLLINGS: Two Days After the Return

  NICK DUNNE: Eight Months After the Return

  AMY ELLIOTT: One Year After the Return

  About the (Real) Author

  Part One: BOY LOSES BITCH

  NICK DUNNE: The Day Of

  What do I think of when I think of my wife? Hmmmm, that’s a tough one. Because I try not to think about her at all. Why? Because she’s a total bitch! “Yeah, right,” you say, “every husband thinks his wife is a total bitch.” Perhaps. But my wife is a bigger bitch than any of them, the biggest bitch in the history of bitchiness. Don’t believe me? Once you hear my story, you will.

  My story begins on a hot July morning in 2012. I woke up at 6 as usual, walked downstairs, and took the canoe to fetch the morning paper.

  Okay, I guess I should explain that.

  When my wife Amy and I moved to Missouri, we were in kind of a rush, so I did my house search entirely on Craigslist without actually visiting. I figured I’d stick to places where the ad had a lot of photos and a virtual tour, because how different could the place really be when we got there? So I found a listing for a “charming 3BR on the Mississippi River,” and it had like a hundred fifty photos of the inside of the place, and everything was just upgraded and the appliances were new, and I mean, it was on the river, how cool is that? So I took it. What I didn’t realize, however, is that while the house was originally built “on the river” as in overlooking the river, during the last century the river has shifted, so that the house is now “on the river” as in in the river. The only access to it is via canoe ride from the shore.

  So that’s why I had to take a canoe to fetch the morning paper.

  I bet you think you know what my wife did when we first saw the house in person. You think Amy went nuts and yelled at me and told me what an idiot I was. But actually, that’s completely wrong. Amy was overjoyed when she saw the place, because she knew that every single day we lived here, she’d have something to criticize me about. Think of all the time I just freed up in her life! As a hot girl, she was going to have to find something to complain about every day anyway. Now all the work of figuring out what to complain about was pre-done. It was like someone coming up to you on the first day of college and offering to do all your homework and take all your tests the entire time you’re in school. Party on!

  Looking back on it, I think Amy knew in advance there’d be a ton to complain about in Missouri, and that’s the only reason she agreed to move there in the first place. We’d been living in Manhattan in the unfathomably expensive West Village condo Amy “owned” (i.e. had been bought for her by her parents), supporting ourselves on “Amy’s money” (i.e. the money given to her by her parents). Originally we’d also been living off of some of my income, when I was a working writer. I wrote greeting cards — real greeting cards, not e-cards. Cards with real writing on them with real sentiments and real jokes, not just singing animated cows or singing animated tulips or singing animated whatever.

  I specialized in cards for dads. Really funny ones. You know that awesome card you bought your dad for Father’s Day ten years ago? The one that said on the front: “Dad, for Father’s Day I got you something for your favorite chair,” and then inside the card was a drawing of a dad sitting on a toilet with a beer dispenser next to the toilet and a caption that said: “Just remember, no drinking while wiping!” I wrote that. You’re welcome. And I probably wrote every other card you bought for Father’s Day or your dad’s birthday from 1999 to 2010. If that card was really funny.

  But then a little thing called the Internet started blowing up, and a little thing called e-cards started blowing up along with it, because people didn’t want to buy a two-dollar card and a 45-cent stamp when they could send an e-card for free. Because $2.45 was way too much to spend on the person who’d been responsible for putting you on the Earth. So I got laid off.

  Three weeks after I lost my job, Amy lost her job. At least that’s what she would tell you. I’d tell you that she lost her “job,” because her “job” (annual salary = $0) was being an Elite reviewer for Yelp. For those of you who aren’t “Yelpers,” Yelp is a website where regular people like you and me can review whatever we want. If you post enough reviews you get the coveted “Elite” status and get to be a “Yelp Elite reviewer.” As far as I can tell, the tangible benefits of this position consist of being invited to two parties a year, neither of which Amy attended. But being a Yelp Elite reviewer gave Amy something that to her was the greatest gift of all: a way to say she was better than other hot girls, which was every hot girl’s main goal in life.

  Amy blamed me for making her lose her Yelp Elite status, and for once
her blaming me for something was actually somewhat justified. The average Elite Yelper reviews 23 restaurants per day. This is why Elite Yelpers tend to be trust fund kids, or wives and girlfriends of trust fund kids. When I lost my job, there was no way for us to support both our elite West Village lifestyle and her Elite-mandated 23 restaurant meals per day, so the Elite status had to go.

  To show her displeasure with my role in her losing Elite status, Amy started posting Yelp reviews of me.

  BUSINESS NAME: Nick’s Penis

  PROS: Is a penis, fits inside my vagina.

  CONS: Is small, doesn’t give me an orgasm.

  RATING: 1 star (out of 5)

  Like I said, she’s a bitch.

  I could keep going and tell you how Amy and I got from New York to Missouri, but that would be a digression, because I began with a story about me waking up already in Missouri. And I’m a really good writer, so I will avoid such a digression. But don’t worry, I’ll catch you up on everything later.

  After reading the paper over coffee and taking a shower, I headed off to work. When I’d moved back to Missouri (where I’m originally from), my sister and I did the thing we’d always talked about doing: we opened a cat cafe. We’d borrowed $80,000 from Amy to do this, which was once nothing to her but was now almost everything. I promised I would pay her back with interest, and with her choice of any two cats.

  It was a practical decision. My previous job had showed me the danger of going all-in on something for which people’s tastes could change. But I knew there would always be a demand for an eight-dollar latte that you could drink while being annoyed by cats.

  We named the cafe Doggie McDoggerton’s to be ironic. My sister and I especially liked the idea that nobody in Missouri would get our irony. That assumption lasted all the way up to when our first customer walked in. “I dig the name,” she said. “It’s like that pizza place next door that’s called Not A Pizza Place.” Oops.

  As I parked my car and walked toward the cafe that morning, I immediately became much happier than I had been at home. This phenomenon happened every day. I think it might’ve been because I was getting no love at home from Amy, whereas here, I was getting love from 63 cats, albeit in a 1 to 10 ratio of love to aloofness and sometimes outright hostility. It was great to have such a fulfilling job, but it was depressing as hell to know that at the end of the day I had to go back home.

  My gut twisted, and I rushed to get the key in the door and go inside. I needed a shot of espresso and an American Shorthair.

  AMY ELLIOTT: January 8, 2005

  Tra and la! I met a boy! Well, I mean, I always meet boys, because I’m hot. But this is a boy that I can tell my friends about and make them feel jealous! So maybe I should start again:

  Tra and la! I met a boy-I-can-tell-my-friends-about-and-make-them-feel-jealous!

  Let me set the scene. My friend Carmen (by “friend” I mean a hot girl I met two weeks ago and haven’t yet known long enough for us to start hating each other) invited me to her friend’s party (probably because she didn’t want to look bad by going alone). Her friend is a writer, and Carmen told me there were going to be a lot of writer guys there. Immediately my expectations for the party dropped through the floor. “Writer” = low non-steady income (if any), embarrassingly futile attempts to be fashionable by wearing a blazer with a T-shirt, and in general not someone I want to be associated with, because my association with them has no potential to make my friends jealous.

  I know what you’re thinking: “But Amy, aren’t you a writer?” Yes, I am. A working writer. I write for the Yelp Elite Squad. Try asking those writer guys who they’re writing for. Hope you like staring at a blazer and T-shirt in silence.

  Carmen and I headed to the apartment in Chelsea, and before we even walked in the door I could tell it was gonna be one of those parties where no guy is on my level. Absolutely no potential date material here. I don’t even have to look inside to know this, or talk to a single person. I just know. It’s a special talent we hot girls have.

  Speaking of hot girl talents, another talent we have is shutting down guys before they even start talking to us. Hey guys, you ever notice that the moment you start thinking about approaching a hot girl at a party, she walks away or hugs another guy or gets on the phone? Not an accident. Next time don’t even think about it and save us both some time.

  Unfortunately there are still a few loopholes in this preemptive shut down method, one of them being if you don’t even know the guy is there. And that’s how I fail to preemptively shut down Nick. I’m standing by myself at the food tray because I’m hungry (and I’m also pretending to text so it doesn’t look like I’m standing alone). Suddenly I hear a guy behind me say:

  “Back away from that tray, ma’am. Do not take a step closer.”

  Ha ha ha, what a funny writer you are. Back away from me and do not take a step closer. I look around to find a gay guy I can hug, and I catch a glimpse of the person who’d spoken to me.

  Omigod. He’s cute enough to make my friends jealous! But hold on, is he a loser? I allow myself five seconds to talk to him so I can judge this.

  “But if I don’t eat this, what else is there?” I say.

  “I can make you an olive with mustard,” he says. “But just one olive.”

  Omg he insulted me! He must not be a loser, because loser guys (i.e. 99.99% of them) don’t insult me!

  Omg omg omg! I met a cute guy who insulted me!

  Nick and I start talking, but in my head I’m focused on the calculation all hot girls face when they meet a guy: what’s the farthest I need to go with this guy to maximize my friends’ jealousy while avoiding my friends’ criticism that I “went too far”? Make out? Bj? Further?

  My initial calculation is that we’re at least gonna kiss, so I leave the party with him. As we’re walking down 6th Ave., I see a sugar delivery truck, and I steer Nick over to it because I know we can have a romantic moment where there’s sugar flying through the air and we kiss through the cloud of sugar and then I can tell my friends about it and make them feel bad that they didn’t have such a romantic moment.

  When we get to Nick’s place, I finally make my decision: I’ll sleep with him because I see him as long-term material. That is, someone who can make my friends jealous in the long term.

  It’s gonna be so fun telling my friends about this over $27 craft cocktails!

  NICK DUNNE: The Day Of

  I turned my key in the lock of the cat cafe door, and then realized the door was already open. My sister Go (short for Margo) had gotten in a few minutes before. I went over to the bar and gave her a kiss on the lips. Yes, on the lips, with a little tongue. So what? No biggie. To answer your question, no, we don’t fuck. We’re just really close. We do a lot together: work, go to movies, mutual masturbation, bjs, 69ing…but we do not fuck. So you can get that sick thought out of your head right now.

  Go looked at me and poured me a shot of espresso without asking. I took a sip, and Go pointed at my mouth. Apparently I had some foam on my lip. I wiped it, and Go pointed at it again, and I wiped it again. Go rolled her eyes and just grabbed my face and slowly licked the foam off my lip with her tongue.

  Our behaving in this manner had begun to gross out the customers, so finally we had buttons made up that said, “We’re not fucking. We’re just close.” That seemed to calm people down.

  “What’s up, you look terrible,” Go said.

  “Today’s my fifth anniversary,” I said. “So I’ve gotta deal with Amy’s anniversary shit.”

  “Awwwwww, I feel so sorry for you,” Go said. “You married a complete bitch just because she was hot, and now she’s five years older and a little less hot and thus even more of a bitch. Poor baby.”

  “Blow me,” I said. Go shrugged and started pulling down my pants. “Go, I meant it figuratively, not literally,” I said. “Anyway, I’m not in the mood. I’m freaking out about having to do another one of these treasure hunts.”

  Every year on
our anniversary, Amy made me do a treasure hunt, in which she scattered clues throughout the city which eventually led to my anniversary present. But the clues were impossible. So every year without fail, Amy blamed me for spoiling our anniversary because I couldn’t figure out the answers to her impossible treasure hunt clues.

  For example, here’s one from last year:

  The drinks at this bar are really great

  But more important, it’s where we had our first date!

  Our first date was six years ago. What, am I supposed to remember everything I’ve done for six years? What were you doing on this day six years ago? Can’t remember? Thought so.

  Amy had eventually tried to make some of the clues easier, but they were only easier for her.

  This clue will be an easy one all right,

  It’s the restaurant where we ate last night!

  Earth to Amy: when I eat, like most people I pay attention to the food, not to what some stupid sign says on the front of the building.

  Today’s treasure hunt was thus doomed to be a failure. But Amy still insisted on doing it, because to a hot girl, anything you could call a “hunt” or “adventure” was worth doing, since you could tell your friends about it and make them jealous that they weren’t getting to go on hunts or adventures.

  “So what did you get her for her anniversary present?” Go asked.

  “I haven’t bought it yet,” I said. “Whenever I think about buying her an anniversary present it reminds me that I’m married to her, so I stop thinking about it. But I’ll go to the mall on my lunch break and grab something.”

  “Maybe you should get her something that can’t be bought in a store,” Go said.

  “Like what?” I said. At which point Go started pulling down my pants again.

  Look, this is the last time I’m gonna say this: we don’t fuck.

  Before I could get to orgasm the stupid phone rang. I answered it by saying, “Doggie McDoggerton’s, this had better be worth me not orgasming.”

  It was my neighbor Carl, calling to tell me my dog Bleecker was cruising down the Mississippi River in a canoe. I told Carl this wasn’t any cause for concern, because Bleecker has taught himself how to untie the canoe and take himself for rides in it. But then Carl said the front door had been sitting open for a couple hours, which was a cause for concern.